I am woman

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EmmaJJ
Berichten: 487
Lid geworden op: 08 jan 2017, 15:44
Gender: Vrouw
Locatie: Doorwerth
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I am woman

Bericht door EmmaJJ »

I didn’t belong.
Not like the cast out
because I learned
what not to be.
But I never learned
to fake someone I could be
someone who belonged
(I wondered how others did that)
So I never actually belonged anywhere
The pain became some background noise
And then I met someone who didn’t belong
Didn’t know how to fake.
So she felt safe
we made our own haven
filled it with the love for our children
and the children poured in so much love
And then they grew up, and went out into the world
My fatherhood didn’t fill me up anymore
And there I was
facing the person
who didn’t belong
the person who discarded so much of herself
in order not to be cast out
I a way she had cast herself out
When I discovered the woman in me
I realised that she could never belong
to anyone else but me
This vulnerable knowledge
gave me the strength to really connect to others
the more I am myself
the more loving the connections
but also the stronger the paradox
that this love
is inseparable to
the existential loneliness:
I belong to nobody but me

And that is the origin
of my beautiful pain
in discovering my femininity.
Going from
wanting to be everything a woman is
(hating
my thin hips,
my small boobs,
my length,
my voice,
my manly face)
to loving
everything I am.
I am woman.
Or transwoman.
(I don’t even care anymore about the space between trans and woman)
I am
period
Not belonging
is being free from
comparison
the price is this
existential loneliness
that’s always there
in spite of all the loving connections I have.
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